A baby seal walks into a club…

Because I, Alfred Heimer, am obviously a comedic genius I am going to treat all you plebeians to some of my jokes in the coming posts.

No need to thank me, dears.


I didn’t know how to help, so I made a thing.

REBLOG | Posted 2 weeks ago With 1,629 notes + Ori. Via
tags: #OOC



”So you wasn’t serious about the pie I guess,I did a great job making your face on it though.” Céline it looks like horrible.

—-“Well, the pie is not irredeemable, I suppose. Perhaps if you worked over my real face with a railroad spike your pie would be of greater resemblance!”


The Seventh Seal  - Ingmar Bergman 1957

REBLOG | Posted 2 weeks ago With 2,737 notes + Ori. Via



❝I’m.. just looking about..❞


—-“Oh, really? I hate to disappoint, but you’ll find nothing of interest here.”

"Out of curiosity, what’s your name? I feel as though I should know already."

REBLOG | Posted 2 weeks ago With 4 notes + Ori. Via
tags: #viktxryia


[ It’s difficult, trying to fix things. Trying to be better. It felt like he was doing the opposite. And even with that there’s no denying that the words that are coming from the doctors mouth felt more like the words he’d like to hear. Believed in him. Lips pursed and his fingers intertwined with each other before wringing around thin wrists. He only nodded, taking some small offence to the comment about understanding but unable to protest because he really didn’t.]

We—w-we’re still doin’ th’deals, rr..righ’?

[So much for the attempt to stop. But there’s an itching eating away at his nostrils and it’s demanding something a lot stronger than what weed had mixed with his pocket-lint. Especially after this — it would do good to lose himself for a good few days and hope that when he got his head on straight everything will have been sorted out.]

I, uh. I need. Nn-need somethin’

-Alfred straightened his tie and sneered, a few tiny tongues of hellfire momentarily spitting through the gaps of his teeth. Even he—a monster with the intention of doing something truly horrible to this Ed once he found him—found Tobias’ speedy departure from the topic disgusting. There was no dignity to it, the game wasn’t nearly as fun when a player didn’t realise that he was being punished-

The deals, Tobias? That’s the question you’re currently asking me, boy, is it? Do you feel your needs transcend my own?

Let me ask you one question first, boy.

-Three long and torturous steps later he was staring into the network of busted capillaries that infested the surface of his eyes. Alfred smiled, a long smile that bore his darkening fangs and allowed his long, three-pronged tongue to wriggle out and drag itself across Tobias’ cheek. He stinks of sulphur and burning rubber; his voice is demonic-

Do you believe in monsters, Tobias?

You're being awfully philosophical. Should I be concerned? You aren't your usual horrible arschloch self.



Concerned, Karl? Have you ever been concerned about me?

Tell me, Karl, have you ever thought about killing me? Fantasised about watching me die?

Because if you have, well…

-his voice lowers to a hoarse whisper-

We have that much in common…

Concerned as in, you ah ein capricious creature at best und I neffer know vhen zhe right mood vill strike you und you vill go from pest to class five disaster.


Is somezhing wrong? Ozher zhan being a terrible dangerous Hell creature?

Something wrong? A better question would be to ask whether anything is or ever has been right!

You see, Karl, i’ve come quite rapidly to the conclusion that any events that transpire around this time are little more than drops in a vast, celestial ocean that stretches on forever and ever.

None of these games we play, none of them matter.

I can’t even die, Karl. I can’t even die.

REBLOG | Posted 2 weeks ago With 2 notes + Ori. Via
tags: #Dancing-death


How I look for things


I am bitter about people and kinda wanna move off this planet except cats are here.

Moving off the planet is more trouble than its worth, dear. Want my advice? See that the ones causing this frustration find their way off the planet, one way or another…