— - I didn’t invite you in so you could insult my decor
  For your information, I used to have three orphans to clean the place for me, but they escaped, and I have not yet been able to replace them.

—-I stand corrected, your home is indeed not remotely like a P.O.W camp

         Merely a P camp, as it were.

               I’ll let you decide whether that’s an upgrade, friendo.

And how does one lose three orphans? Did you leave the cage unlocked?

REBLOG | Posted 2 weeks ago With 7 notes + Ori. Via
tags: #xlocoparentis
» Muses React to Youtube!


Submit a video to my muse, and watch their reactions!


REBLOG | Posted 2 weeks ago With 7,634 notes + Ori. Via
tags: #Ask Memes
» Alfred Heimer vs Karma || Shaz and Alfred


"At least I didn’t try to rip your kneecaps off." Shaz spat back at Alfred. "I may have eaten you, but that isn’t half as bad as some of the things you’ve done. You can’t argue with that. You just can’t.

Just as he thought he’d had the last word on the subject, he felt a barrage of kicks and punches coming from his belly, much, much stronger than the first couple of times Alfred had kicked him. He tried to resist it, but his body clearly wasn’t keen on the idea of being split open and wanted to get rid of Alfred as quickly as possible.

Shaz didn’t want to throw up. That was the last thing he wanted to do at that point, but with Alfred thrashing around to the degree that he was, it seemed like he wasn’t going to have a choice in the matter. He didn’t even get a chance to get out of the cafe and out of the way of the group of people that were now staring at him in horror- it just happened. One second there was one Alfred, yelling and doubled over in agony, then there were two, only distinguishable from each other by the fact that one was wearing sneakers and the other was covered in bile. 

There.” Shaz said, rubbing his jaw back into place. “You’re out. Happy?

Suddenly, the messy, foul-smelling flesh sack (that being Shaz’s stomach, not Shaz) lurched forward and contracted in a single, sloshing motion. Alfred found himself being forced through a puckered sphincter and into a narrow tube, until eventually shards of light were visible in the distance. Alfred assumed this was what being born was like, but decided not to dwell on the notion.

Soon enough, the immense pressure that confined him gave way and he fell to the ground with a wet smack. He was out, actually out! Alfred felt almost as though Morgan Freeman should have been narrating his glorious escape, but feelings of relief gave way to anger when he turned back towards Shaz.

"Happy? Am I fucking happy, Shannon!? You ate me, humiliated me, ruined my reputation, stretched my clothes with your prodigious girth, digested my pseudo skin and poured hot coffee on me, and you’re asking me if I’m happy?” Alfred barked, his voice growing louder and coarser with every syllable. Alfred liked Shaz an awful lot, but he’d crossed a line this time.

In what seemed like a split second, Alfred barged forward and rammed his bony shoulder into Shannon’s rib cage. He didn’t want to hit him in the stomach, Shannon had to be conscious for this little lesson. Alfred grabbed Shannon by his shoulders and lifted him up to eye-level.

"Am I happy, Shannon?" He whispered venomously, his lipless maw twisting into a grin, "NOT FUCKING PARTICULARLY!”

And with that, he threw Shannon against the counter.

—-You are so moronic, it’s a minor miracle that you haven’t choked on air!


me trying to make friends

REBLOG | Posted 3 weeks ago With 2,875 notes + Ori. Via
tags: #Biology


(( alfred heimer: male model ))

Truly, I am the most attractive creature in the entire world.

REBLOG | Posted 3 weeks ago With 4 notes + Ori. Via
tags: #IC

A baby seal walks into a club…

Because I, Alfred Heimer, am obviously a comedic genius I am going to treat all you plebeians to some of my jokes in the coming posts.

No need to thank me, dears.


I didn’t know how to help, so I made a thing.

REBLOG | Posted 1 month ago With 1,630 notes + Ori. Via
tags: #OOC